Lindsay Lohan is currently suing E*Trade for using her name in conjunction with being a milkaholic in their Super Bowl commercial.
According to her lawyer, Lindsay Lohan has star status like Oprah and the first name is sufficient for those in the lower rungs of society to be awefully aware of her identity. Apparently, whenever someone hears LINDSAY, the waters part and the mountains shake and the Almighty Himself recognizes the brilliance that is Lindsay Lohan and admits that He really outdid Himself. Funny thing is, I don’t think Lohan when I hear Lindsay. I think of Lindsay that I went to school with and always dressed so well. I think of Lindsay in Key West that worked at the Hard Rock Cafe and had an amazing pool. I don’t think Lohan. When I watch this E*Trade commercial, I think of a couple cute babies video chatting and one of them happens to be named Lindsay (not Lohan).
Let’s address a few other errors. Most recently, Lindsay Lohan has been sampling the womanfolk, so if E*Trade were using her person to base adorable baby Lindsay off of, she would not have spent the night with an equally adorable baby boy. Second, Lindsay Lohan was notably an alcoholic, not a milkaholic. As a mother of two offspring under two, I can attest to the fact that ALL babies are milkaholics. I believe the crux of the issue is that Lindsay Lohan’s career is in the crapper and she is bitter that this baby Lindsay is cuter, dressed better, and gets more Google hits than she does. The only logical course of action for Lindsay Lohan is to sue E*Trade for damages to her poor, pathetic person.
$100 million dollars. That is what Lindsay Lohan feels she is owed by E*Trade for using her name without her permission so that is what she is suing for. This is the amount of money that is bringing 4G technology to the entire nation of Zimbabwe. This is the amount of money that the US has pledged to give to Haiti in efforts to rebuild a ravished country. This is a large chunk of change, folks. Really, Lindsay Lohan? Really?
Lindsay Lohan is a washed up has-been, missing the fame and missing the fortune. It is disgusting that she believes her name is worth this kind of money. It is a sad reflection on the state of our society if she actually wins this case in court.
For clarification: I have used the phrase ‘Lindsay Lohan’ at all points during this piece to describe Lindsay Lohan so everyone knows who I am talking about.